Rachel Michelle

  Wine Time Dancing. Moving. I am being so productive with my time at my house. I recaulked the bathtub and the kitchen sink. It looks amazing. I have started painting a sign that I had intended to complete months ago. It will have my business name on it. For Herbal things, witchy things, tarot, and medicine. In between PT exercises and applying herbal cream, I am icing my leg and finding new areas of my house to focus on.  I reorganized and decluttered my costume jewelry. I am a collector of unique and fun jewelry. I started to reorganize my altar area, where pictures of my father and other deceased loved ones live. Incense and crystals. I found an envelope of pictures of my dad and sat there looking at them, crying. I feel how much I miss him. And allowing myself to believe that he was there with me. Showing me he loves me and missed me, too.  This evening, my partner and I are spending the evening having some red wine and listening to music. He organizes and creates MT...

Starting Point      Every day, I find myself in a loop of sorts. And typically, I notice something that is making me feel uncomfortable. Could be the work I am doing. Could be an ache in my body, maybe it happens when I move my body for work things. And so I make the immediate conclusion that I need to find a better job. And then I start to wonder how I could make more money and not sacrifice my body for it. That's a bit extreme, but ultimately it is not. I want to be healthy and strong. And have fun. And I realize that life is seemingly flying along. I was a child yesterday, and am already a little less than halfway through the traditional trajectory of human existence. Woof.  At this point in my thought pattern, I begin to scramble for fun thoughts I can have. Usually, plans for some movement do the trick. I'll stop what I am doing and do a handstand. Or sit and breathe. Put the tool down and get a drink or have a snack. I have learned to not add criticism to this ...

Interest: What is my interest?  Well, first I ask myself what my limitations are, and in this current moment, it is that I cannot walk, quickly, or run, acro, or aerial, hike, or drive. Torn ACL and acute swelling and inflammation on my right knee.  I am bedridden.  Awaiting surgery, healing swelling, healing inflammation, icing, elevating, and doing pre-op physical therapy.  My thoughts wander. . .  I miss my dad. he died last year. took his own life. he had bipolar.  slow, like molasses, is how I feel in my energy. wanting to be quick, awake, ready. I feel how my physical body is drawing on all the resources it has to heal. I am giving it all I can to heal as well. Herbal teas, herbal oils with medicine for the swelling, pain, and to heal the damaged tissue within, as well as provide new collagen production for elastic and healthy joints.  The guilt builds when i rest without end. All day for a few weeks now. Here's the justification: Really it's a n...

  Clarity Falls As we speak, clarity falls.  I am a maker of Peace.  I listen to my guiding voice within.  I embody clear obedience What it tells me to do.  Winds of change blow steadily in  my life.  So I sail. I sail along where the wind guides me.  My gaze forward, chin slightly raised, heart open.  My intention for my embodiment is to hold fast. I journey with  a strong back, a soft front, and a wild heart.  Behind me, I am supported,  by earth, past and present understood, cheered on and  adored through and through.  My chest softens as I stand confidently in my ever-expanding provision and care. Knowing in my bones how deliciously delicate and  Robust being alive is.  And my heart alive and wild, Soft, tender, and fiercely devoted to love and expression.  My mission and purpose are to journey and illuminate. To make peace.  With intention and pleasure.  I am a maker of peace. For others ...

​ Today is a new beginning. I cast a protective circle around myself and those that I love and care for. Any Thing and any person that stands against the peace ease and abundance within that circle cannot enter. I recognize all the blessings and abundance already present in my life. I express my gratitude. And with fierceness and kindness I also accept my shadow. The desire for more. Even with gratitude of the present. My jealousy. I adore it so. I welcome all parts of myself. I do not hide or shame. Any parts of me. I Encourage everyone to do the same for themselves. Know your place. As we move into the year of the horse, we move with speed and action. Saturn and Aries supports long-term goals. Big things can move quickly. In a stable and sustainable way. Say yes to life. Say no to bullshit. Much love,  R 💗

 Documenting Time Life flowing. Eclipses are whipping through my reality. Falling heavily in love with my messy, gorgeous life.  Cutting ties, severing attachments,  Snipping chords, letting go,  Surrendering.  The thing is, this current I Am letting go into, to float on  Is not calm at the moment.  It is roaring, gushing water, a wild Kayak ride of a flow. It's fast-moving, and I am letting Go of the branch I have been  Clinging to for so many months. Let the life energy take me away. Onward. Psychic, patterns, labeled, rigid,  Unmoving, cold, rational. Now is a time for action. On purpose choices. From authenticity always, And sovereignty inside. Now is a time for heart and mind to come into alignment and to  go and move, flow and choose from There. So rooted is this. Secure in the Knowing that the Source of all That is us, stands and swears To support our growth and  Well-being. So it is. As above, so below. As within, so without...

  Chapter 3 – The unfolding, awakening As I mentioned at the end of the last chapter, my awakening began with a devotion to my meditative and movement practices, yoga, and silent, still meditation. What I soon discovered were feminine embodiment practices that stroke deeper and with power I had never felt before. It all started with a dance movement. Recording myself moving freely to music, and witnessing myself and being witnessed in my expression. Without judgment. Just love and acceptance and curiosity. This process allowed for acceptance of myself exactly where I was. I learned through a baseline of love and acceptance to listen to my intuition and internal wisdom and to allow myself to feel exactly how I felt. My head and heart were finally communicating and aligning. This was no small feat because living as an indoctrinated and programmed human in the Jesus-cult following world, my head ruled the day. I followed the rules, and I listened to the weekly poison poured into my be...

 Now Is The Portal Here I stand. In the present moment.  I feel Spirit around every cell of my body.  Connected to everything.  Feeling all layers.  Make it make sense,  is what I desire.  I tell myself I need it,  I need the justification of why and what  is happening around me.  It surges through me.  I am open, a channel for energy.  I gaze around, illuminating truths and colors.  True colors reveal after some time passes.  Sometimes less power, less feeling is a relief.  I give up.  I willingly give it away.  Your life is your life.  Be honest, it's essential.  Be authentic.  Anger is true.  Rage is essential.  Inside, buried deep lie treasures, just  waiting to be seen and loved.  Curiosity and imagination are the portal. 

  Talk Back "Leave me alone," he approached me slowly, "fuck off," I say, as i sink into  a combination of rage and grief.  He and I dance then in retorts, eye-contact, charged with ravishing thoughts.  Desire, Violence.  He would fight me. I would fight back.  Power play takes over.  Heavy metals, shards are all that's exposed.  Edges and respect.  Spikes and leather layers. Protection.  You were attached and i defended myself.  Makes sense!

A Ramble of Intrusive Thoughts... take it for what it is. just anger/envy/jealousy/hurt expressed, not an indictment or reality! oh what heart ache. it feels as if it were going to both implode and explode at the same time. all my fears highlighted, and screaming at me at full volume.  raging against the dying of a love.  the cord won't cut easily. using all my will power to make the journey through it.  i feel exhausted.  i feel left behind. and I am devastated about that. i feel unchosen and rejected.  my heart keeps breaking more. when old fears resurface. assumptions that I later discovered were intuitive knowing are coming back and  slapping me right in the face.  fuck you.  see. you knew all along you were the problem. You were in the way of something else.  so here I am, and I will move.  i will walk on.  walk away.  away from you. away from the mess you are in.  away from the toxic and bullshit world that you convi...

  Tethered In a wall of depression, you were my happiness.  When I became a sorrow, the burden was too heavy,  the darkness came closing in again and I couldn't see my way out.  But you never let go of my hand.  You held on.  The red thread tethered tight, entangled on the quantum field.  Yet lightyears apart.  We are not in control, we must surrender to the flow.  The universe is working together with fate.  Love holds strong.  Don't give up.  Close your eyes.  And feel your heart.  Let it collaborate with your mind.  And shine your light bright.  Bring into your life that which is for you.  Our red threads taught so tight, the distance between us so great,  that we can walk across it like a slackline up high in the sky.  Balance. We will find each other again. 

  Jump to Conclusions Revolution. Rebellion. Fight for what?  I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I will thrive in life. I will live freely and Joyfully.  I will be authentic. I am myself and that's amazing.  I am proud and alive.  We all need or want someone to blame.  Less trigger.  What if my chaos is my superpower! I am a catalyst.  Fear makes humans respond differently.  I am entering the best time of my life.  I am worth fighting for.  Confusion.  Conclusions.  

  Messy Life feels so dramatic. Crying, sad, happy, horny,  in love, hated, jealous.  Listen to your gut.  Say what I need to say. Be heard. Be who I am.  Be loved as I am.  I am worth it. I am right.  Queen energy. I am Queen. I am in control.  At times I am losing my mind.  Losing control.  I am a mess. messy. 

 Put You In Your Place I want to put you in your place Shut your mouth with a gag and tie your wrists to the  poles of the bed.  Take away your ability to reply.  I want to live freely and in sin.  I would like to be an animal.  Bring the devil to me.  May chaos reign. I'm over it.  Love the sinner and hate the sin.  We will all die. I am going to die. Why stay somewhere I don't feel loved anymore.  Secrets. Liar. Imposter.  Miscreants. Exile. Out.  Crime. Mental Illness. No help for those struggling.  Reclamation.  Drama Queen. Save me! Are you  the Damsel? Do you need rescuing?  You are a scared little boy.  Do you want to be had? I want to be  had.  Life has shocked me again to my core.  I am not able to regain my  center. Circumstances and words  felt like a betrayal to my system.  I need to be honest.  Your emotions come first. Selfish! I am not nothing.  Sav...

 Today is a new day.  It is raining again, third day in a row.  Cold still, jacket weather. closed shoes and sweaters.  I long for Spring, warmth, and touch.  My being untouched and over worked. Paying to be alive is a stress.  Being alive is a blessing. Being alive is wild and weird.  I feel irritation at responsibilities. I just want to work on my own fun stuff.  My own fun projects. My art. My expression.  I want to be with my love. My partner at my side. I am a wanting machine. 

 In Between  I am in the liminal space of time unfolding.  Not quite annoyed, not yet angry even. As if my old default mode has finally expired.  I feel waves of old consciousness' patterns lap up against my toes. They tickle. So familiar. Worn out. Worn in. Like a really loved set of sheets.  That's something we don't buy many of. Sheets. Hmmm.  Slumped over, I sit, feeling the feeling again; familiar, worn out. It's not comfortable, it's not great either.  It's in between. Not black or white. Not even bright. Just there. Mind quieted by sheer repetitive willpower to overcome and choose contentment.  I feel in between today. Just like nature, those in the northern hemisphere will understand. Spring Equinox approaching, yet not quite here. Winter lingers Hyr long cold fingers.  But today the wind howled and whistled. A witch told me once that when the wind holed like that it was the spirits, ghouls and ghosts travelling about. Best stay out o...

 You and Me To be with you, i need my skin to thicken.  I need to get a little tougher.  I want to keep my heart open,  because with you  I feel so alive.  I feel so open and connected, when  I'm with you . I love you. My heart does.  Fuck all that. Run. Little girl, run.  I need to be honest. I desire exclusive commitment in my life, with some occasional organized, and organic play, maybe. Clown- I need to clown.  So when I see you next, I have a bone to pick with you .  To be with you  I need thicker skin. 

 Shift Gears Move on now, just today, to bigger and  other themes and structures in your life. Your family unit. Your  Children. Your legacy.  Put the heavy bag of unknowns down. Let your magicians hat rest.  Later, when you reach into the limitless darkness of the magic inside, you will  pull out a baptized version of the weighty case you carry now.  So, move on now. Towards Red threads and their tethered spots.  

 My Boyfriend Has a Date Go on, go on your date.  I'll be here and masturbate.  Smoke a joint, decompress,  try hard not to obsess.  Jealousy, why her and also me?  Why both? What do you see?  How does she make you feel? Something Special? Or do you admire her, too?  Just like me, she's important to you?  Okay, maybe you don't need me then at all. I can just go.  I am free to after-all. 

 Heart Break Too little too late. Or better late than never.  or who the fuck knows. It's all a mystery.  It's all progress. Forward moving, backward  sliding, along the slopes and loops that  is the twirling, swirling cream sickle  of this universal experience.