Rachel Michelle

Scheme to Love Always scheming I am. To get the  guy. To impress the girl. To be longed for, chosen, and wanted. Can I alchemize this game?  My patterns run tired. Fresh strategy is much needed.  Love is what I seek ultimately. And when I ponder that I see my unfamiliarity with love in purest presence.  And I love it. I want to devour it. Thirst for that Jeu de vivre. I am alive.  I am here, I am love.  Ahhh, may i remember that my uncomfortable and  gitty excitement for life is an expression of love.  It is self and something I am born to embody and feel and experience. Something to pursue, to ask for, to take, to have.  Something to live out of, to be. I am born to  be love. Alive love. The obsession to posess, is holding you back from experiencing freedom and peace. 

  Rumble Disappointment is what I feel. Took me  a few weeks, or days, or minutes to name the feeling. A low grade sadness lingered behind me for so long.  I feel it still, but with help of  plant, divine feminine guidance and my coffee, I am getting into the surrendering aspect of the feminine.  I am so chaotically resisting, or maybe I am finally, gratefully, tapping into holding more of the energetics  I wish to grow in me.   Change and growth are expected.  Seasons are rich in symbolism and, well their seasonality.  I also am nature and seasonal and  cyclical. I change. I grow. I evolve. It is a time of rest. Nourishment.  Not a time to focus on the lack or failure, but a time to breathe deeply into my body, my life. My goddess.  Calling her to rule and embody with inspirational and joyful power. 

  Uncomfortable All is here. The richness of the  moment is here now.  Can today be a day you choose yourself? Your heart? Your happiness?  Today I choose my heart. My tender, aching heart. My words feel shallow and  dull compared to how I feel in my heart.  Pish Posh. Smoke a joint.  Masturbate. Love yourself and  go to bed, Universe. 

  From Jesus to Punching Pillows You've got your life there. I have mine here.  I love you. My heart feels deep inside, in the soul entrance to my inner temple.  I feel a fire there.  My soul seeks union. Is this the experience I signed up for? Christianity? Breaking the cycle of trauma and abuse? Of playing small, of denying my womanhood. My power. Even the Christians knew How powerful woman is. How capable,  how nurturing. Life-giving. I am an endless flow of life source. I bleed sacred blood. I die a thousand deaths. Why does it feel so intense to know so Much. I just know some things that hurt my heart. Truth does not always feel good. It feels like truth.  I wish i as with. Together. United.  Adventuring together. Expanding my life.  That is my goal. Must have been part of my evolution! 

  Zombies A Saturday in Fishtown.  "The zombies are out in drones today." I say to the cute barista who looks sad and hiding behind her glasses, under her pink crochet, wavy mushroom flower  cap; on her frizzy, soft hair.  Clarity, brevity, simplicity,  Humanity.  Babies, dog babies, human babies,  We love babies, cute, fluffy, adorable babies.  Creator, shattered, scattered,  strange world, on a loop like groundhogs day, repeat repeat, repeat. What is this life? 

  A small collection of Love prose/poems:  Waking up Waking up, it's you on my mind.  Waking up, it's you in my heart.  Oh heart, oh heart. Oh love.  I am up, I am alive, I live I love, I desire. Today. You. You and I. Us. I desire to touch,  smell, snuggle and love you every day. In person. Together. I love you forever. Winding down High. Yes I do want to be late. Yes I do want to  disobey. Yes I do desire you. Yes. I don't want to be cautious. The Dead Fish's Soul Made-up. Make-up. Wish your Lips touched mine more often In real life.  Honey bear Nervous energy. Anxiety brewing.  Worry, playing repetitively  with hair. Swirling in hand over and over again. 

  Fool I'm a complete fool for love.  Melting now at the love I find My heart holds for you.  Unable to share it and doubting Your heart's reciprocity unexpressed.  Silent towards each other, yet slowly whispering nudges of secret love and prodding for resonance.  I'm a fool for love.  And love's my fool's desire be, be steadfast of mind. Calm the seas.  What do I find? A hot burning and tender achy glorious heart. Confusion floods in, washing and sizzling the emanating glowing embers.  

  I Guess, ... I guess I let you go.  I guess I surrender.  I guess I let go.  I guess.  Truly, truly I say to you, I let You go.  If you are mine, when you are mine,  then, then, then... When and then: we dance.  We get down together.  We go down on each other.  You and me: love together. No regrets baby, no looking back My love, dance, convulse,  live, wild. Shake your soul.  Open our hearts towards each other.  I guess one day you and  I will,  I guess one day you and   I won't.  I guess all day, all night?  Do tell! Do tell me. Do tell you. I guess open your heart to me.  I guess I want that.  I guess I love you.  

  Country Learnings Quiet, rainy days Kitchen tables, watercolors Creating art and love together. Collecting our essences to  Pour onto canvas for  Later memory and observation.  Windy, balmy cabin sleep Meditating , praying, breath; Land teaches me. 

  Ho! Heart! What heart. Ho, heart. Hello! You, yes you! Heart! Heart! Hello. Yes hello. What do you  feel? I will follow. I surrender to you my beautiful flaming jalapeno doused in honey in the snow on a warm black sand beach.  Yum. My darling.  Welcome home.  I love you. 

  Compromise Loving you scares the shit out of me.  I see you online and available and I  turn away. I run. I get scared. Meanwhile daydreaming all day about how and what I would say to you. Having a really  Beautiful relationship in my head. My  heart being held by myself the entire time,  because I am the only one there.  Yet there are times, many, most times, when in the light of my though that I can't have you, or I won't go and get you,  or the fact that I am doing all this in my head. I make myself believe that  you are telepathic and so am  I, and that it is actually you,  whose presence I feel.  So comforting, Like Jesus was to me for many Years. I don't want a secret lover. I want my love, a present love, a serious and fun love. A bright and full love. 

  Love Me You love me I love you Do you still? Will I always?  Some days for now forever was the time we spent together. 

 Heart-Ache Blues My heart, my heart, pump pump It commands your attention.   Gentler these days. Triggers come hurtling forward. Being caught in the warm, squishy safety of a lover's embrace.  I am painfully, growing in  curious gentleness, aware of my walls, that hold a  special place in my heart.  The wall, or obstacle, hmm Is it, that? I move closer and turn towards the feeling.  It's love, I think. It must be. 

  Release If you don't let me in, I can't come.  This action or in-action, unmoving-ness in you subconsciously hurt me.  I therefore release my bad habits.  I release the constant obsession with you, and where our love stands.  I release. I release.  I open and make space.  And even more space. More and more.  Not intending to fill all, or to replace,  No, I open and make space to feel the Spaciousness. To enjoy it, to inhabit it.  To stretch out in it.  To play and fly and expand.  That's what I release and why.  I release all the reasons why and all the reasons why not.  I release all the ones I can't remember Either because I blocked them out, or because i  healed and grew.  I release!

 Wife- The Ultimate You called me your wife and I begged it to be true.  You casually played into my deepest desire and  I smiled with glee at  the thought made real.  Forever at Leonardo DaVinci  Hotel in London am I recorded as Your Wife, just once on record.  You looked me straight in the eyes when you did it, too.  So casually cruel. So they say.  A fool for love and ultimate romance. 

  Circus My love, my life, my everything.  My all. My entire.  Inside me, outside reflects.  Strength outside, inside penetrates.  Heart still open, heart bleeding,   Soft, graceful.  Trusting provision, when it was  absent in past.  Thank those that helped before.  A chosen Family. A chosen life.   Circus. 

  Beckoning Sleep I need sleep. I contemplate.  Let go. Let go.  Surrender.  Total release.  Full presence.  I can't hold on any  longer. I release.  I release. I release.  Sleep comes. 

  Sign Feel the soothing, soft, enveloping Warmth on the base of my hand.  Liquid Essence Crystal Clarity Star Crushed Dreams Open Mind and  Heart.  Love Enters and  Leads.  Feel. 

  The Sea The sea glitters, the waves swoosh.  A sailboat slowly glides by.  Bouie's   bounce and float on water surface.  Lobsters and crabs taking the  bait in the cages below.  The sea glitters, the waters sway.  An orange butterfly slowly flitters past my eyes.  Birds and crickets chirping the sun blasting down his fury.  The sea glitters, like the stars from  the night's sky the evening before.  A reflection, day and night they mimic and reflect each- others radiance.  The sea glitters, the waves swoosh.  All is here, all is alive.  With wind and waves, in and  out like breath.  I had forgotten life could be  this good. Rest.  The sea glitters. 

  Honor the Goddess - Earth Mother Modest Goddess, I come here today. I honor you in a silent  display.  Good and benevolent Goddess,  how beautiful you are! I, as nature, rejoice together and admire you from afar.  Powerful Goddess,  I come today with great expectation.  Faith in you for your sovereign exclamation! Over me,  And for me, Goddess. I plea! Blessed be. Blessed be. Blessed be. 

One Life In this one life I have,  I love what I love. I go after it.  I am awake and alive and taste,  take, try, leap, jump, roll  and rest, pleasure, enjoy, I live turned on. Always- It is my birth rite .  Words pour out, secrets inside. Puzzles.  Like pieces, shards of ripped up love notes and codes. Secrets too  shameful, private and unrelatable.  Keep them in, but pleasure says, no let them fall out where they may. Speak however it comes out of you. I celebrate your courage.  Yes!   

 Pre-Bedtime Realizations Love derailed me. My own delusion that that love meant what I made it mean. I allowed that to  utterly distract. And I  mean utterly.  It also rescued me.  I took myself way too seriously. I am a total and absolute nincompoop.  Full of shit. An overly tragical and fallible mess.  I love you.  Go to bed. 

 Finding You Again I can still feel your lips on mine pressing fully together. Fireworks, pleasure streaming out of every pore. My heartbeat elevated.  Our eyes meet. Intimate and knowing gaze.  I can see your soul in your eyes  and you see mine. I miss you.  I miss the sounds you make when i stroke your  skin. I miss the silly faces and smiles  and  hello's. I miss holding your hand.  I am not accepting that we are but a memory. My heart has visions and plans for future union. For future memories with you. For finding you again.  I love you. 

 Just some fun for today:  I'm a slutty and desperate daddy's girl Totally understandable. Makes sense based on an entire life of being stuffed with the  fats and guts and herbs of the Jesus worship story.  Being told to idolize Him when being whipped with the idea of idols are bad, evil, or a distraction  from Him. Him, always capitalized in a sentence.  Die to self so you may live for Him.  The bible is a powerful book of spells.  Each word honored and lifted up,  elevated and studied. So many centuries of interpretations and opinions further fucking with my mind.  When in the bible it is written that God's name's pronunciation spelled out phonetically was YAHWEH, the sound also of  one's breath coming in and out of the lungs,  I believed it.   Furthermore i was taught through the words of some men who were gay for  Christ, that His name, the Father, was so reveared it was dishonorable to even write it down. Only on...