Rachel Michelle

  Chapter 3 – The unfolding, awakening As I mentioned at the end of the last chapter, my awakening began with a devotion to my meditative and movement practices, yoga, and silent, still meditation. What I soon discovered were feminine embodiment practices that stroke deeper and with power I had never felt before. It all started with a dance movement. Recording myself moving freely to music, and witnessing myself and being witnessed in my expression. Without judgment. Just love and acceptance and curiosity. This process allowed for acceptance of myself exactly where I was. I learned through a baseline of love and acceptance to listen to my intuition and internal wisdom and to allow myself to feel exactly how I felt. My head and heart were finally communicating and aligning. This was no small feat because living as an indoctrinated and programmed human in the Jesus-cult following world, my head ruled the day. I followed the rules, and I listened to the weekly poison poured into my be...

 Now Is The Portal Here I stand. In the present moment.  I feel Spirit around every cell of my body.  Connected to everything.  Feeling all layers.  Make it make sense,  is what I desire.  I tell myself I need it,  I need the justification of why and what  is happening around me.  It surges through me.  I am open, a channel for energy.  I gaze around, illuminating truths and colors.  True colors reveal after some time passes.  Sometimes less power, less feeling is a relief.  I give up.  I willingly give it away.  Your life is your life.  Be honest, it's essential.  Be authentic.  Anger is true.  Rage is essential.  Inside, buried deep lie treasures, just  waiting to be seen and loved.  Curiosity and imagination are the portal. 

  Talk Back "Leave me alone," he approached me slowly, "fuck off," I say, as i sink into  a combination of rage and grief.  He and I dance then in retorts, eye-contact, charged with ravishing thoughts.  Desire, Violence.  He would fight me. I would fight back.  Power play takes over.  Heavy metals, shards are all that's exposed.  Edges and respect.  Spikes and leather layers. Protection.  You were attached and i defended myself.  Makes sense!

A Ramble of Intrusive Thoughts... take it for what it is. just anger/envy/jealousy/hurt expressed, not an indictment or reality! oh what heart ache. it feels as if it were going to both implode and explode at the same time. all my fears highlighted, and screaming at me at full volume.  raging against the dying of a love.  the cord won't cut easily. using all my will power to make the journey through it.  i feel exhausted.  i feel left behind. and I am devastated about that. i feel unchosen and rejected.  my heart keeps breaking more. when old fears resurface. assumptions that I later discovered were intuitive knowing are coming back and  slapping me right in the face.  fuck you.  see. you knew all along you were the problem. You were in the way of something else.  so here I am, and I will move.  i will walk on.  walk away.  away from you. away from the mess you are in.  away from the toxic and bullshit world that you convi...