I Am Many Layers Of Undoing- A Visceral Journey: My book- part 2- Chapter 3

 Chapter 3 – The unfolding, awakening

As I mentioned at the end of the last chapter, my awakening began with a devotion to my meditative and movement practices, yoga, and silent, still meditation. What I soon discovered were feminine embodiment practices that stroke deeper and with power I had never felt before. It all started with a dance movement. Recording myself moving freely to music, and witnessing myself and being witnessed in my expression. Without judgment. Just love and acceptance and curiosity. This process allowed for acceptance of myself exactly where I was. I learned through a baseline of love and acceptance to listen to my intuition and internal wisdom and to allow myself to feel exactly how I felt.

My head and heart were finally communicating and aligning. This was no small feat because living as an indoctrinated and programmed human in the Jesus-cult following world, my head ruled the day. I followed the rules, and I listened to the weekly poison poured into my being. I believed the lies. I lived cloaked in shame and guilt disguised as devotion. Unwavering and without ceasing was the standard of discipleship. And this was, of course, impossible, therefore, I felt I was constantly falling short. All the while, I was attributing these deep feelings of struggle and misalignment as expected struggles for being so holier than they. When in reality my heart knew it was all bullshit and I was suffering my experience. My heart was constantly reminding me and sending signals to my head. “Hey, up there, this is not right. You are not happy living this life. These are not the ultimate, universal truths you are following. These are lies created to control the masses. “The methods used were shame, guilt, and duty.

Once I started to realize that I could take 100% responsibility for my actions, for my beliefs, and for my perspective, that’s exactly what I did. I stopped blindly following and started to allow myself to flourish, to love myself, and to meet my own physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. I started to set boundaries with those around me.

Those who were also living in the manipulative and restricted world did not welcome my change. I was showing up for myself and taking up space. I was saying no when I meant no and yes when I meant yes. Truly, in the sense of the teachings that I had been force-fed my entire upbringing: Let my yes, be yes, and my no, be no! A big part of this journey was my sexual liberation. I finally allowed myself to let go of the shame and disease and the yucky feelings I had towards my own body and my lusty desires. I allowed myself to listen to my gut and intuition and say no to staying in the marriage I was in. I was dying there; my needs were not being met. I was starting to express and ask for what I wanted and needed and was met with confusion, gaslighting, and manipulation.

The men in leadership at the church I was a part of tried to guide and force me into reconsidering and staying. To submit and honor my vows I had made a decade before. When I explained that I was being abused, was miserable, and wanted out of this situation, I was told that I could not be part of the in-covenant church anymore. I would be able to attend, but I would not be able to participate in the archaic and strange ritual of holy communion. As I was out of line and walking in sin. I no longer sought approval from friends, pastors, or even counselors. I listened to myself. I approved of my own decisions. I gave myself the yes I needed. I decided and agreed to be misunderstood by everyone around me. That was the price I was willing to pay for my freedom.

This is what happened: Any friends I had chose a side, and it was not mine. At first, this was devastating. About a year later, after many tears and grief, I finally started to realize that this was a fortunate change in circumstances. As I allowed my mind and heart to open and to curiously seek out and explore the world around me, anything outside of my tiny Christian bubble, I found so much love. So much authenticity. I found liberation. I found limitlessness by facing my limitations. I worked with a therapist to process my childhood trauma using the EMDR method. This was monumental in processing with my mind and a somatic-light process. Although not entirely embodied movement practice therapy, EMDR did use a sort of hypnotic tapping and eye movement to access subconscious connections that I had to highly charged memories.

After a year of this weekly therapy, I felt that the statement “My feelings are valid, I am allowed to have my feelings” felt one hundred percent true in my body. I no longer felt restrictions when saying or reading these words. I got in touch with my body and the signs and signals it was sending me. I accepted that this was the pathway forward to identifying my needs, my desires, and my intentions. All of this is done without judgment and criticism. These months of experiencing this slow disintegration of the deep-rooted beliefs I had established were highly sensational. I cried so much; I released, released, released. I studied emotions and energy in motion. I moved and danced and shook. I met a new soul tribe. I let myself express and take up space.

Sexual liberation looked like this for me: I started with self-pleasure, reclaiming my arousal. Realizing any self-touch and gentleness and patience with myself took time and attention to experience without judgment. I intentionally took up a pleasure practice where I would use tools such as mirror work and positive affirmations while gazing at my naked body. I would make love to my vulva without the goal of orgasm. The intention was to connect to liberate and to love adoringly and fully all that I am. Without a partner. Without others' approval. Without achieving anything. I adopted the thought and turned to the belief that I am already whole. Already holy. Already sacred. Not needing saving or to be rescued.

I am writing these words, this book, to help anyone who wants to journey back home to themselves. This journey of self-acceptance and adoration is the gateway to showing up fully in connections with others. The deeper I meet myself, the deeper I can meet another. The more I keep my heart open, even when scared or timid, the more vulnerable I can be, and the more fulfilling my connections feel. Now, to be clear, this does not mean that anyone is privy to my energy. To my openness. I learned this, too. I learned to say no to people, places, and situations that were draining my energy. I said no to anyone who was not supporting my highest good. Anyone who claimed that following my heart was foolish.

This might sound rash, delusional even, or the best word: selfish. Yes. It was selfish. And I will continue to live a selfish life in the best, most liberated way I can. Selfish, radical self-love, radical self-care, and true, authentic expression require bravery and courage. I realized I could do hard things. I can be disagreed with by anyone and still be doing the “right” thing for me. I also realized there is no right or wrong decision. There are only actions and decisions made, and consequences and ripples to those. Universal information. Feedback.

What I discovered while journeying towards my most lit up, and fuck yes self, was my inner child, my inner parent, my inner critic. I realized I needed to re-parent myself. I needed to say yes and also no to myself. To decide how I wanted to show up in the world. Not for anyone else or anyone’s approval. But for me, how did I want to be? How did others experience me? How could I pour into myself, so that I could later, one day pour back in service from my overflow? My cup was so dry and under-filled. I needed to fill my own up and balance my energies. I learned to create energetic boundaries. To protect myself. To speak up. Some terms and concepts that helped me grasp what this meant were to work with the energy centers in my body, my chakras. To practice expressing without judgment. To enter into my inner world and face my shadows with loving awareness and curiosity.

These pathways were presented to me through play and games. I did this by intentionally putting myself in situations with people that I trusted and felt safe with, where I could face and play with embarrassment.

My body showed me where I was holding pains, memories, and grief from my past. It revealed where my fears lived. Where my limitations were being manifested in my real 3D world. I discovered that there is so much to learn. So many realms to explore. So many layers to dive into. I stopped believing that I was broken and needed fixing. My shadows were not bad parts of me. They were and are parts of me and my expression that I have dismissed or hidden away. This happens from different sources. The parents we have growing up, the guardians, teachers, and adults in our lives. People we look up to, the culture we live in, the shows we watch, the churches, the media, etc. Shedding these programs and letting myself express what I was feeling is an ongoing journey of discovery.

The shortest answer is to fuck around and find out. Try things. Say yes to stuff; say no to stuff. How would I know what I like if I did not try things?

I was immensely curious about witchcraft, working with the earth, plants, herbal medicine, and the natural cycles of my body. I joined an herbal apprenticeship and met local witches. I learned to honor my body and its female cycles. I learned to forage ethically and use local herbs to make medicine. I started to play with ancient wisdom. Exploring tarot magic, spells, and community. The love and connections I found were life-changing for me. Anything that brought fear and hesitation into my body when I even considered it became a new area I wanted to explore on purpose. This was my path and is still my guiding light. I have come to learn that fear is the same feeling as excitement, just without the breath. So, next time you feel afraid, take a deep breath and ground yourself. Your next step in the path is being illuminated.

Now, I don’t mean to say that if you are in danger or a true victim of something, to override that and be irresponsible for yourself. I also do not believe there are mistakes. I might not like the consequences of my choices and actions, but I now offer myself forgiveness, acceptance, and grace upon grace. And then I move on, re-calibrate. Progress. I surrender and trust the process. There have been and still are days that feel extra challenging. I reach out to friends and trusted people, and I journal. I shake and dance and breathe. I keep going, and I approach every day with gratitude for another opportunity to be alive.