Thursday afternoon in the year 2026

Interest: What is my interest? 

Well, first I ask myself what my limitations are, and in this current moment, it is that I cannot walk, quickly, or run, acro, or aerial, hike, or drive. Torn ACL and acute swelling and inflammation on my right knee. 

I am bedridden. 

Awaiting surgery, healing swelling, healing inflammation, icing, elevating, and doing pre-op physical therapy. 

My thoughts wander. . . 

I miss my dad. he died last year. took his own life. he had bipolar. 

slow, like molasses, is how I feel in my energy. wanting to be quick, awake, ready. I feel how my physical body is drawing on all the resources it has to heal. I am giving it all I can to heal as well. Herbal teas, herbal oils with medicine for the swelling, pain, and to heal the damaged tissue within, as well as provide new collagen production for elastic and healthy joints. 

The guilt builds when i rest without end. All day for a few weeks now. Here's the justification: Really it's a need, i need resources to pay for the bills i have. I need money to flow in regularly.

I am not able to receive money in the ways I am used to. By providing my time and energy, body etc. Painting. Teaching at the studio. My physical presence is not available. For several months. And then I will be available again. What do I do until then to receive money? I am not sure. I am applying for a remote position. I have not had any replies. My motivation is low, as I also am in discomfort and want to rest and heal, not hustle and work. 

In reality, I would like to have massages, meals, excursions, and attention. Rides to the doctors and self-care for me, as I go through this. 

Instead, I am searching my insides to find out what my passion is. With movement limiting my body to keep myself busy. I am in my mind, and emotions running through me all day, every day, have other channels of expression to find. Writing is one. I should get one of those bed table things, I can put over my lap, that way I am not hunching over and hurting my back, but can still keep my knee elevated and icing when needed. 

I have not felt inspired at all to paint. Carrying the supplies is too cumbersome. Socials on my phone have taken up my time. taking pictures of the cute kittens that follow me around. Keeping the safe from the third feral cat I have downstairs, she is mean. We need a new home for her. 

Chores in the house have to wait. But it's okay to not be doing stuff when needing to rest. And really, whenever. It's just that, being a Virgo moon, I need cleanliness and order. Otherwise, I feel physically uncomfortable and stressed. Sometimes. I love clean surfaces. Maybe that's the German in me. 

It also allows my brain to calm down. I want cleanliness and also aesthetic beauty. Nice furniture. Beautiful art. tasteful, functional, and comfortable. 

.... to be continued.