A Ramble of Intrusive thoughts ...

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A Ramble of Intrusive Thoughts... take it for what it is. just anger/envy/jealousy/hurt expressed, not an indictment or reality!


oh what heart ache.

it feels as if it were going to both implode and explode at the same time. all my fears highlighted, and screaming at me at full volume.


 raging against the dying of a love. 

the cord won't cut easily.


using all my will power to make the journey through it. 

i feel exhausted. 

i feel left behind. and I am devastated about that.

i feel unchosen and rejected. 


my heart keeps breaking more. when old fears resurface. assumptions that I later discovered were intuitive knowing are coming back and 

slapping me right in the face. 

fuck you. 

see. you knew all along you were the problem. You were in the way of something else. 

so here I am, and I will move.

 i will walk on.

 walk away. 

away from you.

away from the mess you are in. 

away from the toxic and bullshit world that you convince yourself is healthy that you live in. i want no more parts of it. i am angry. i feel mistreated and disrespected. you should have told me. you should have given me a heads up. why would you not. you know I am watching.

and this hurts. 

fuck you. 

fuck you to the moon and back again. 

leave me the fuck alone. 

you reject me and discard me. ignore my feelings and choose other over and over again. like I was just an obstacle to overcome so you could be free.

i rage against this.

i knew it.

i knew it. 

your attachment so strong that you were lying through your teeth to me. you were never mine. you were never committed. you were trying. but it wasn't a good fit. you didn't want this with me. you wanted something else. more freedom. less judgment. more being on your own. and never considering others. but telling yourself you were. fucked up. you tried you said, but you failed. and you gave up. 

goodbye my almost amazing lover. 

goodbye my failed life plans for union and support. 

goodbye. 

you made your choice. you left me. for your own desires and ambitions. good luck with that. good luck locking up your heart. 

i hope you break open and cry out all of that stuckness. 

that you find freedom in that way. 

that you soften and heal. 

and that you learn how to set proper boundaries.


 I wish the same for me. 

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