I am many layers of undoing- A Visceral Journey - my book part 1

 

Foreword

Begin Just begin.

 

My intention for you, my reader and the intention I set when I started this journey:

 

This is the beginning

I will write my story

And I will share

And bare all

Within reason

I want it to inspire.

 

‘’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’’

I am an author

I am me and me has experienced a lot

I am many layers of undoing

I feel all, curiously.    

 

I hope you enjoy my words and feelings. May they take you on a journey

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I Am Many Layers Of Undoing

 

-      A visceral journey

 

By Rachel Michelle Porter

 

 

How it all began:

A short, to wet the pallet of your mind-

 

Today I am sitting on my couch- in my new house. The girls and I hung out after school for a few hours and then their dad picked them up to bring them back to our other house- my old house- his house. Dad’s house. Their father’s house. My ex’s. Pain arises as I let that truth sink in, it’s not the loss of the house, or the fact that it’s now “his”, mostly because have a new one now. The pain I feel is tied to the girls and their hearts and to my younger heart. The girl who experienced loss after loss after loss. On the regular. So regular it wasn’t news anymore. Just routine. I know the drill.

People come, love you, you love them, you want them, they leave. I have learned that only sometimes is the leaving a response to actual intentional or accidental words and actions. It’s external shit. Jobs, life preferences, unforeseen circumstances. Looking back, I did not know this freedom was accessible to all. I took everyone’s leaving, as a leaving of me. They were abandoning me. So house is linked to sacral energy, my safety center, my security. Therefore, my abandonment wound was massively triggered when I moved out and left my marriage behind. When I was a child, I noticed how adults possessed the ability to move about in the world, to go where they wanted to and when. And now, being an adult myself, having moved out, away from a place deeply unhealthy for my body, soul, mind, and spirit, and yet, I still found myself asking: “how do I harness this power.” Talk about not seeing my own potential. It took a little while to integrate. And I am finally doing it. I create my own reality now. I have created it this way, today. Here in this beautiful house. The house is white, and clean, and new. Peaceful, free, soft, gentle, and expanding.

 

Prologue:

Write, write. Just write. Anything. Something. Many themes to cover, explore, dive into, swim around in. Illuminate. Love, lovers, marriages, ex’s and new exe’s. I wanted to be loved by him, did i? maybe sometimes. Not really. Being loved by him was so scary, not the right fit. Where’s my yes. My wholehearted open yes. I am learning to follow the call, the draw, the magnet to the thing that is choosing me too. A friend said to me, that where there is pain love once was. This hit me hard, as I was sharing my pain of a recent breakup. One where my fear and courage danced and fucked. They made love and expanded and held more and more and more. My entire body vibrating, tingling, and expanding orgasmically, energetically. Love tender hearted, inspirational, and intoxicating. Unattainable and untouchable. As this love penetrated more, my exterior continued to crack and peel. I am many layers of undoing. Unchosen is what we were for one another. To see clearly, and not let my denial run the show, I needed to expand into holding both the desire for all of him for us, for me, for our love’s potential and the absolute fuck no I was feeling due to need for a desperate time of healing and growing and singleness. Now is a time of fun, dating, exploring, finding, searching, journeying, learning, and more and more expanding.

 

My weekly, sometimes only monthly participation in a women’s new moon group along side the lovely gathering of international gorgeous tender and gentle humans are my spiritual community. They are guiding me. Witnessing me. Loving me for it. A Friend asked me what motivated me to keep going? My dumb-ass answer was – jeu de vivre. The depths I find repeatedly as I dive curiously into myself. I told her I keep finding more and more and more. More curiosities. Oh, how limited I have been living until now, in the Christian love bubble. Ignorant. Unimpressed, bored, frantic for freedom.   

 

Dedications and Inspirations:

Inspirations:

What inspires me. What is it that this soul that I am, this single viewpoint out of millions and millions or billions, or infinite viewpoints, what is it that I am here to experience? Just the never-ending struggle with abundance, I think not. If my creativity is my sexuality is my abundance etc., then all I need do, is be my creative self. How do I be that? Right now, I am being that by writing, by letting my fingers spill forth, that which is in my mind. And really the place I wish to write from, is my heart center. My soul seat, which finds itself at the back and bottom of my lovely heart. I am finding expansiveness and much fear and uncertainty in my heart. Which is to be expected and relatively normal in every human in this world. So much bullshit to sift through, i.e., ancestral trauma, day to day negatives, limitations of the patriarchal system and cultural sheep-ness. We humans can be easily at being manipulated, we do it primarily to ourselves. Identifying so strongly and passionately with the victim and the sufferer, cause more instant reward that way. You know, guilt and shame of not enough-ness can be alchemized into prideful entitlement. That feels better or maybe more familiar to most, than stepping into fully responsible, immature, and innocently naïve self-view. As this full sovereign powerful being stance has much more Being-ness to embody. That can feel unfamiliar, and interpreted as scary or not good, because unfamiliar. And therefore, not accessed, unless one becomes unhappy and miserable enough that one finally does something about it.

 

Chapter 1:  I am a Spiritual Being, Having a Human Experience

 

I am a spiritual being having a human experience. This human I have the privilege of experiencing through, is attractive, self-involved, strong, and capable, also very bored, and high energy, and distracted, selfish, greedy, and very generous. Brought here to share beauty and yumminess. Delicious pleasures to be had and experienced. That is my human’s calling.

 

What are my demons? And where are they rocketing me towards, if I let them? Where is it that I need to go so desperately? Am I content here, in the Now, the eternal now of everything. Time is an illusion. Time fly’s and drags. How we perceive our worlds changes moment to moment. One moment I am content, hopeful. Inspired and eager to live more moments. The next as if by freak of nature, a fog drops upon my eyes, and clouds my gratefulness. Vision dulls, taste fades and surroundings cease to inspire. Breathe. I think. My body is breathed on, unbeknownst to me. Moment to moment, carrying me on. Grateful? Freakish? Why and how? Too many have asked this with no answer. Or some version of a truth. How can we know what’s real and what’s made up. Is it all really made up?

 

My inspiration used to come from different places as it comes from today. Today I know I must just begin, and the flow is available. The flow of all that is, is available to tap into. The creativity that is me is always here, being breathed. My soul ready to give and pour out, when fully resourced. If my body is healthy, my mind is healthy, my soul can express my spirit in this world. This is all from within, the nature within, the spiritual being I am within. The one viewpoint in this universe- me. But then, before I was as awake as I am grateful to be today, I was inspired by basics- nature, people doing stuff- adventure, dancing, laughing, jokes, games, play. Those are places I am calling in more of today. More joy, more play, more curiosity, more rebellion. Spirit, lead me into the most abundant rebel that I can be here in this planet, in the time I have allotted to me. May I affect in the most positive and transformative way all those souls that come across my path in my lifetime.

 

Or not, may I just be a joyful ball of love. Feeling with curiosity all of me, all my tears, all my laughter, all my depths.

 

Is it true that you must be starving and heartbroken to produce the most touching art? To create the reading experience that will transform and lure into itself. I am not starving. My heart may be broken, but broken open, and yet I am here feeling a bit uninspired by my nondramatic easeful emanation of peace as I sit here and write. Are you inspired by this bullshit spilling from my fingers? What would make it more interesting, more compelling? Shall I make up a story? Shall I create a universe that is other than this world? Will you want to ready what I am writing then? Would I?

 

Sometimes I don’t write because I am already bored of the utterances from my mind. And sometimes so self-obsessed that I think if only anyone read this, I would be famous already. Touching the hearts of millions with my story. Well maybe there’s a middle ground. If I possess the power of worlds in my wielding of words, shaping however I would like the world I currently and always inhabit. Painting pasts and futures, present tense wonders. Magic, magical folk all around. Witches, wizards, warlocks, and shamans. Sluts and players, tricksters, and sages. We all walk amongst each other’s greatness. In our mundane, groggy day to day. We are alive and here and plugged in and unplugged. We observe, we desire, we want and grasp. We take what we want, we exchange a bit of energy, green waves of wealth in matrix terms, and voila- the richness of the world is at our command.

 

Take a deep breath with me now, in and out, breath in all the worlds abundance, we are playing with house money, like in monopoly. Endless abundance is us. I am endlessly abundant. Gaia provides all that I need. Sky daddy warms my skin. Angels watch over my spirit as I sit in the astral lounging in my inner most temple. Protected, without a worry in the world. I can finally release my need to save anyone, including myself. Jesus would be so proud. Finally ready to just be and enjoy. To feel all of me, to protect my energy, and be greedy, and selfishly in love with my life. And my children. The two most important people in my life, other than myself. Maybe more than myself. If not for them, I would be in a much different place, physically and mentally I am sure of it.

 

Oh how interesting this life is. It can change from one environment and viewpoint to a drastically different one in a matter of hours. It took about two years to integrate the divorce and the move, which was only a few hours of action in 3D world. Packing up a truck, move some boxes from here to there, and voila, different life.

 

No more church, no more partner, no more abuse, no more housework for him, no more cats, no more friends, no more garden, no more in-laws, no more fake friends, no more God the father, holy spirit, and Jesus Christ my husband father lover punisher protector. Bam, this sort of quantum time and space leap is instant, in spirit and soul, yet takes many moons to integrate into the body. I feel at this point, two years later, that I am finally integrating and stepping into my fullness. One relaxed breath at a time. House money, I remind myself, infinite and divine abundance. I am creative, my creativity is my abundance. I am sexual, my sexuality is my abundance. My sexuality is my creativity, my creativity is my abundance. When I create, I am abundant. I create when I exist. I exist to create. I am a creator.

 

All this creation brings a sense of purpose, of wonder, of fun and play. I feel when I am creating, not for creation’s sake, but from my essence, enjoyment, that I come alive. This is the point. The point of life. To live turned on. To be alive, to play, to play with, to challenge the surroundings, to rebel, to play more. To connect with others who also are playing. Aren’t we all playing some sort of game here on earth? As spiritual beings having human experience. What is it that my spirit wants to express and experience? Love.

 

Lovely gathering. Lovely people. Love found in others. A reflection of my own heart. A desire. A longing to be unified, skin to skin. Voice and text is just not enough, it feels like it just can’t be enough that way. My heart is breaking every moment a bit more. The longer I cannot be with my beloved. The harder it gets to breathe. To stay present in my body in a state like this is bliss taken into agony, into absolute torture. Maybe I use this torturous love be a doorway into my achy heart. And I like being in my heart. I want to create from here. I am hungry though. For nutritiousness. I am no longer interested in crumbs. I have been starving for so long, and taking in unhealthy habits, patterns, ways of loving. My soul and spirit are open and receiving now the things that nurture, fulfill, create life and joy and balance. When I look at my love “life” my living in love, in relation to romantic love, I am slowly finding what nurtures me, and what doesn’t. So far, I have been able to just find how I can shape myself, and morph. I am no longer interested in that way of being in relationship. I don’t want to be rescued. I want to be met, eye to eye by a strong, safe, secure, inspiringly supportive, and cheerleading lover. I am on a journey to embody just that, strength, softness, desire expressed, wisdom lived, knowledge breathed. Love and bliss and nurture spewing out. Inspiration dripping, eros oozing. Creative fire burning setting others ablaze as well.

 

The layers of my being just keep revealing themselves, one day at a time. I come up against the walls I have set up within myself from long ago, many of which have been taken down, and cleared, and some still stand. I look at them with gentle curiosity, kindly asking critical me to take a day off, and watch and learn. The walls that are there because I felt so unsafe to show my true self in relationship with ex husband. If I showed up now, today, as I am, then who am I in relationship? How am I? I am whole and show up as a whole human. A spiritual being having a human experience. So strongly walking in the spirit yet grounded into my body. One, a whole experience. So many feelings and emotions rippling through, energies, mine, others all permeating. My mission, purpose, or maybe less pressure than that, my being-ness in this present moment, is what I focus on instead. Focus. That’s the word I have heard spirit say to me repeatedly, focus. What I focus on expands. I have been reminded recently of the greats, Gandhi, Mother Teresa and countless others, like Jesus for example, are no different human than you and me. They learned in the time they were here on earth to focus their energy for the outcomes they desire. They focused their consciousness on an outcome and were able to make giant waves of change that influenced decades of humans with ever expanding ripples. Who are the changemakers of today? Still Jesus, yes, and others, lovers, poets, artists.

 

Chapter 2:  Past, Present and Future

 

I would like to write about the topic of suffering, I heard someone say the other day, that I am not experiencing suffering, but I am suffering my experience. Meaning my interpretation and the meaning I assign to my experience is what shapes and flavors my perspective. There are so many layers of this shadow of my expected experience and beingness in the world. When I was growing up, the focus was on service and hospitality and inclusion. That morphed into exposing yourself in the name of vulnerability and accountability. This practice to emotionally analyze and bare my soul to a trusted group of humans, is a quality of mine. I have grown to learn whom to trust and whom it will serve to open my heart to, mostly if it will serve me and my wellbeing and evolution. I can say I feel free of the need to be approved of, or analyzed and found innocent, or relatable, or making sense to others. I made sense to me. And I still do, I mean that I accept myself now in my fullness and in my wholeness. I have no shame carried in my being as I know that all versions of me and my expression are valid and part of the human experience. In fact, the more I grow and evolve I see that there is so much more to life than the limited view I held for so many decades. I mean I am in my third decade on this earth, and I have only just begun to open my heart truly to what is out there.   

 

Born in North Carolina, Charlotte, moved to Germany, lived there until I was 7, moved to North Carolina again, started first grade, and then moved back to Germany until my tender young age of sixteen. After that my family moved to USA again. Where I am still living to this day, almost two decades later. I don’t get it. I don’t understand the greater purpose of this life. Gratefulness for being alive? Connection with others? And for what? Just for enjoyment? Why am I here? Do you ever ask yourself this question? I am sure many do, every day. Some maybe not though. Some people are stuck in their own matrixes, or the one that the government streams out there for all to absorb. Work, work, work, so that you can retire when you are old and enjoy the two days out of seven in each week to have fun and enjoy your free time. But really every day is play, an opportunity for it at least. I am guilty as well for not being able to dive fully into this energy. Every day I wake up and I ask the Universe to put me and all that happens in the day into alignment with my highest good and the good of all. And I ask for endless magic and for inspiration and for direction. I have a hard time finding the flow sometimes. Some days are harder, and some days are easier. If time is an illusion, and we only have the here and now, the infinite here and now, then how can I even differentiate between days and hours and months, years, or even decades. I am still me, the me I know, I am living my own delusion, my own ego and mind creating my reality. A life, alive.

 

Younger years spent with family, aunts, uncles, and many cousins. Family reunions, youth group get togethers, cook out’s, parties. Traveling for traveling’s sake. This was a lovely part of my upbringing. Mixed in there were life events not as pleasant, But the harder truths and healing did not happen until I was well into my ten year long marriage relationship with my baby’s father. Emotional abuse, criticism, non acceptance and inauthenticity were the flavors of our relationship. Mixed in there of course, were many years of firsts, and growth, and discovery. Getting married in the church, under supervision of pastors, and elders. Men, presiding and directing our emotional and spiritual evolvement. My spewing my own delusions of grandeur out into the world. I believed with all my being that Jesus was Lord and the savior of the earth, and all human souls. And I believed I was one human to be wiser to this seemingly universal truth. Oh how my world crashed and collapsed, thank the goddess, when I discovered and started to understand that this too, was an illusion I had bought into. A delusion that I perpetuated with all the other desperate sheep souls bound together by mutual commitment to Jesus and serving the world. It’s like we all found a greater purpose to live for. And following Jesus, becoming a disciple as they said, was the greatest purpose and honor and duty a Christian could bestow upon themselves.   

 

As a woman this purpose to follow a dead man, and his followers’ interpretations of his messages from thousands of years ago, was deeply unfulfilling. I knew this, deep in my gut. My wiser, higher self, telling me in every prayer, every attempt to worship and be lovingly open to the spirit. I denied my discontentment. Often, I projected it towards anyone and anything in my surroundings. Mostly myself and my partner. My children also received my rath. I could not find deep love and peace and contentment in Jesus alone. Or even in Jesus, the Lord Father, and their sidekick the Holy Spirit. I wanted more. I wanted deeper and more real truths. Universal, present day, now and here truths. All of this longing I felt, my search for something else, did lead me deeper into myself. Into my own depths, and my own potential. But I kept asking myself if this is what I am here for? To be extraordinary? To be so me, that I am so special, that the world would just adore me, and I would find my purpose in being worshipped. Just like Jesus. I want to be a Goddess. I want to be elevated and spoiled and revered. Honored, and prayed to. I have just as much or little power as Jesus did. His vision, his light is what captured the hearts and souls of humanity. A great and powerful message of love, acceptance, and light. Of service and of enjoyment.        

 

My journey to wholeness started with my basic curiosities in earth. Crystals, the power of water, grounding. I started to focus on my own already existing embodiment practices, like yoga, deep breathing and meditation. Allowing those aspects of me to have more space in my being. To make Jesus “smaller” so to say, to let religion die, to live to spirit only. To let my own spirit come alive. This caused a great deal of shifting in myself and in my surroundings. I found my own needs and started to love them and fulfill them tenderly and radically. This act of self-love and a commitment to never cease to hold myself safely, was the beginning of my undoing. I am grateful.

 

 to be continued....

Future Inspirations:

Brainstorm:

Titties

Sex

Love

Vulnerability

Layers

Family

Trauma

Love

Lovers

Sex

All the sickness

Struggle

Narcisciism

Friendships

Loss

Grief

Sisters

Women

Friends

Family dynamivs

Humor

Dance

Movement

The body

International friends

Virtual love

Xompters

Technology

Witchy

Tarot

Signs

Wonders

Inspiration

Besties

Circus

Nutrition

Star wars

Berlin

London

Men

Boys

Attraction

Pussy

Body

Breasts

Kindk

Sluttynes

Christianity

Jesus

God

Holyspirit

Mary

Joseph

Books

Marriage

Children

Raising girls

Women

Pain

Inspiration

Literature

Authors.